after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
