every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
