Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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