I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
