you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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