Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
