Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
