If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
