never play flip cup with pint glasses
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize