I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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