I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
