I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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