My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
