her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
