omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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