My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
