There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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