how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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