Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
