If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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