dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
