She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
