Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
