I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Found your dick twin last night
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
