I heard we made out
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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