Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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