the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize