shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
