No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
