sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
