I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
