This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
