I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
