She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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