bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
