my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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