there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
