I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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