Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
