I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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