you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
