I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize