Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
