Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
