He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
