i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
