So drunk, too bad you don't want this
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
