My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Randomize
