My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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