Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize