I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
