we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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