i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
