The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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