You're my little dorito
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
