Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
