a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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