I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
