I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize