a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize