And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
