Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Someone shattered a urinal.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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